When do I get to see myself?

In 1988 the US version of Super Mario Bros. 2 was released.  I was seven years old and hyped when my parents finally purchased it for me because for the first time I got to choose which character to play as and one of my choices was Princess Peach.  I vividly remember sitting down to play and noticing right off the bat that something was wrong.  You see, each character you chose had a strength and unique ability.  Luigi could jump further than Mario, Toadstool could pull plants out of the ground faster, and Princess Peach could hover in the air for extended periods of time.  However, in terms of physical strength, Princess Peach was the weakest so it took her the longest to pull/pick up items from the ground.  For the sake of game balance, it made sense on the surface, but I remember thinking even at seven years old that the only reason Peach was considered the weakest was because she was a girl.

At the time I remember thinking, "But she's bigger than Toadstool, and she's been kidnapped a lot.  Shouldn't she maybe have learned to defend herself at least a little?"  I always thought of myself as a tough girl back then (still do) so I thought other girls could be tough, especially girls in video games where there were magical items to make you stronger or give you extra powers.  It felt so unfair to me and I know I stopped playing the game for a time because there were levels where it just wasn't good to use Peach because of her weakness, and I was utterly disheartened.  All the boys at school talked about video games and how awesome they were, and I agreed, but I couldn't quite put into words then the disconnect I felt with them, and apart from Super Mario Bros. 3, I mostly distanced myself from video games after that because I was getting the message it wasn't for me.  Even in a game when I could choose a character that was like me, a girl, I was at a disadvantage.

I'd like to say that twenty-five years later, it's better--and it is--but sometimes I feel like I'm still having the same conversations I wasn't able to have at seven.  Times have changed and I can go into a game like Dragon Age or Mass Effect and choose to play a female character without suffering any sort of penalty in terms of abilities or story (apart from maybe who I can romance in the first Dragon Age), and I certainly can play a female of any race in World of Warcraft without penalty.  Yet, it's when I look at the NPCs who are shaping the story in which I'm a participant that I start to feel that disconnect again.

At Blizzcon when the Warlords of Draenor expansion was announced, I was excited.  I get to see the characters I loved in Rise of the Horde, and I get to see them without the taint of fel corruption.  Yet, the more I looked at the information given, and then the time I spent on the website, I saw right away that gee, there's a lot of men listed, many of whom we already know at least in one timeline, but where are all the women?  We've been told there's a new woman on the scene, a draenei named Yrel who we're told will be a bad ass, and I'm eager to see her, but I wondered about the established characters we have who should by all rights be taking part in this next chapter.

It niggled at me, bugging me even amid the jokes of "Hot Orc Dads" and the "Orc Boyband."  Then I read Chris Metzen's (possibly off-the cuff) statement that "The honeymoon's over. [Warlords] is a boy's trip," when asked about Aggra's participation.  And while I firmly believe in my heart of hearts Metzen didn't intend to be exclusionary, he was exclusionary in this bit of casual sexism.  Yet again I'm told, "This is a boy's hobby in which we tolerate your presence."

So as I do, I voice concern over Twitter and immediately I'm accused of participating in "gender wars," whatever those are.  Also that I'm not giving them enough time, that I should wait and see, never mind that when the beta launches, the main course of the story will be set and about all that can really be altered is the dialogue if we're being honest as any attempt to put in a different character (with a different model and animations) will take additional time and stall launch.  As if the game isn't nine years old with a history of disappearing women, or using them to make the men look like rational, well thought out leaders.  I'm told I want to control the story, that I should quit playing if it makes me angry (which, angry?  No, disheartened, disappointed, and annoyed, yes, but anger means I step away and say nothing, even though anger would be a valid response to feeling left out yet again).  Never mind that I love the story, the characters, and the game itself, one that I spend several hours per week on playing with friends or solo.  I'm told this is Blizzard's creation and that they have all the say in it, or that I must want to put in token characters into the story (because asking for Jaina, Tyrande, Aggra, etc. is asking for a token character?).  We'll kindly ignore that in the past Blizzard has reacted positively to such feedback and altered what they could to be less offensive/more inclusive, and that their creation is something they'd like me to keep paying for so it's in their best interest to listen to such criticism when it's coming from a good chunk of their player base.  In short, I'm told in every which way but directly to just shut up and accept this.

But I can't just shut up and let it be because inside of me I remember being seven years old and all the ways in which I was disappointed with my favorite game franchise.  Then I get further upset to see that twenty-five years later I still apparently have to make a case for my right to not only to participate, but to see people like me on my game screen.  Even beyond that, as someone who loves the written word and stories, it's kind of galling to see how a well developed character is seemingly dropped once she's paired off with a male, doubly so after she becomes a mother.  It's saddening to watch solid character development given to someone like Lor'themar (who I adore and have loved to see come to the fore this expansion) only to watch Tyrande given lessons in patience by Varian Wrynn of all people.

I don't expect perfection, and there will always be screw ups in terms of representation because, as of yet, the developers have yet to become infallible beings incapable of making mistakes.  In spite of insinuations otherwise, I don't want to be the one to tell the story and I don't want creative control, I just want to feel like I'm part of this community and not a visitor whose simply allowed the privilege of playing in a boy's domain, and I'm not even getting into the lack of queer representation or people of color.

I could sit here and link to articles about how under representation in various forms of media hurts us, or that recent studies have shown television shows with a diverse cast in terms of gender and ethnicity are getting higher ratings (and it would make sense that sort of success could easily be seized upon by video games).  I could tell you that children's self-esteem goes down the more TV they watch, unless that child is white and male and the reason for this is that white male characters make up the majority of lead roles in children's programming.  (And if it has that strong of an effect on children, how do you think it colors adults' perceptions of the world and ourselves?)  I could talk about how in 2011 women only made up 33% of roles in the top 100 grossing films (PDF) and how that number becomes depressingly lower when you focus only on women of color.  I could tell you these are all reasons I think we need to see more women in Warlords of Draenor, that we need to see them in the artwork and to be told more than one woman will play a role in the story to come, but the fact of the matter is I never get that far.  I never get to tell people this because the moment I start to talk about this, I'm drowned out by those who like the status quo or seem somehow threatened by the mere suggestion that something they love isn't perfect or inclusive.  I'm ignored in favor of being called too angry, too emotional, or of wasting my energy on something as insignificant as a video game when there are real problems in the world as if I can't care for both at the same time.  I'm ignored because it's not "[female character's] time" or it's "too soon" to have this talk, but no one seems to be able to tell me when the right time is.

Twenty-five years later, in the year two thousand and thirteen, and I'm still waiting to see myself in the games I love to play.